UNCONDITIONAL LOVE vs Blind Acceptance of Abuse

One of my joys is relationship coaching people as they crawl their way out of their abusive relationship -- whether it be someone who's been physically abused or just emotionally abused (as if one was only Abuse Lite).  All of my clients are in various stages of getting out and healing -- from the raw, road kill phase to the empowered "No one's going to walk on me again !" stage.

The theme of my book, Breaking Free from Boomerang Love -- Getting Unhooked from Abusive Borderline Relationships (check it out at www.boomeranglove.com) is our tendency as partners to leave the painful, abusive relationship -- only to turn right back around and go back to it again.  Why do we do that?  What is it in our past that draws us back in?

I'm thinking of a client I spoke with on the phone this week, someone becoming stronger every day in her feelings of empowerment, putting the pieces of her life back together again, and digging around in her gut as to how and why she got into -- and remained -- in such an abusive relationship for so long. 

She spoke of how strongly she had believed that if she could just love her partner enough, she could make up for the troubled childhood he'd had.  She thought that somehow her love would heal the holes in his spirit and his rages would disappear -- he would remain the man she'd fallen in love with all the time, not turn into someone she wondered if she'd eventually have to get a restraining order on.

She's proud of her ability to not return other people's anger with her own anger, has always been the kind of person who would give you the shirt off her back, and endlessly forgiving.  But this week she seems to have turned the corner in deciding what kind of person she's willing to allow into her life.

She said it perfectly -- "Unconditional love doesn't mean blind acceptance of abuse."  Couldn't have said it better myself.

What do you think about this issue?  Have you done the same thing?  Click on the Commentary link below to share your thoughts on this.  I'd love to hear from you, as I'm sure the other visitors to my blog would also.

Comments

[Lynn Melville]

Hello, Susan --

My heart goes out to you, with a Borderline daughter.

If we're in a relationship with a Borderline adult partner, we can make decisions as to whether we'll continue to allow them in our lives, based on their willingness to go for help to overcome the disorder -- and how much damage has already been done by the abuse.

But with family members who are Borderline, we're in a whole different drama. If we walk away from our adult children, are we walking away from our grandchildren also? -- grandchildren who 'really' need our help, because their parent is ill?

I'm reminded of people I've met who are struggling to deal with Borderline parents -- disordered Moms and Dads who are still continuing the abusive behavior but are getting frail and needing help in their old age.

What to do then? I'm pleased to be able to guide you to a non-profit organization based in New York that specializes in helping families cope with this sad disorder.

It's called TARA (Treatment and Research Advancements). You can reach them online at www.tara4bpd.org. They have helplines to call, sponsor educational workshops,and actively support starting support groups for families in cities around the country.

Hope this helps. Let us know what you find out.

Lynn

[Lynn Melville]

Hello, Emmanuel --

"What kind of abuse" will female Borderlines practice?
Pretty much the same as male Borderlines -- only with more tears and more words, as we women are prone to do. : )

Remember that the core aspect of the disorder is a frantic fear of abandonment. Thus, they're afraid we're leaving them when we just have to work late at the office -- we get accused of having an affair.

Since there are so many types of Borderlines (actively punishing ones and then withdrawing ones, for example), I like to say that there are many different 'flavors' of these disordered people.

An excellent book on the types of Borderline women is 'Understanding the Borderline Mother', by Christine Ann Lawson.

The author, a psychiatrist herself, has done a wonderful job of describing the various 'flavors' of Borderline women -- along with an eye-opening chapter on the types of men drawn to the different 'flavors' of Borderline women. It's fascinating reading and written in a simple form that's easily understood by laypeople.

But your post refers to my theory of Borderline disorder being behind domestic violence and what kind of DV a female might attempt.

What comes to my mind is the male comedian in Los Angeles who was shot to death in his own bed by his wife.

I think of the man I've been coaching recently who -- when his Borderline girlfriend discovered he'd had coffee with a female friend -- began stalking him, banging on his door at 6:00 am. He had to get a restraining order against her.

I'm reminded of a counselor friend of mine who counseled a man who discovered that his wife was slowly trying to kill him by putting rat poison in his drinks.

I'm reminded of another man I counseled, who for 20 years had lived with a woman who would suddenly fly into a rage, grab a knife and just come at him. He said he had survived by always having a throw pillow by his side.

Oh, and don't forget women's nails (strong and hard with today's nail salons). Harry Crouch, founder and director of California Men's Centers in San Diego, has told me of the men who come into his office, arms in slings, with nail wounds on their arms, chest and faces.

You can contact Harry at www.californiamenscenters.org.

Is there anything else you'd like to share with us, Emmanuel? We're here to listen.

[Susan Hunt]

I was raised by a Boarderline and my oldest child is also boarderline. I relate so much to the feelings expressed in the cycle of rage and then going back to the relationship. My thinking about loving them enough and then things might change is so very familiar. I have accepted the disorder and am learning how to respond, but thinking of leaving the relationship with my daughter is an option that I don't seem able to face. Thank you for your blog.

[emmanuel]

You relate the Domestic Violence to Borderline Personality Disorder.
I understand that BPD is a common disease among both men and women. How is this BPD translated in women's behaviour ? What kind of abuse will they practice ?